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Release [Feb. 19th, 2006|11:44 am]
[mood |discontentempty]

I kept debating about whether or not to post about this here, but here goes...

Shock is a strange thing. It takes away all the emotions you know you should be feeling. One of my friends is dead and I still don't think it has set in. I keep telling myself that it is because I haven't seen him in almost two years, but I don't believe that. I cried thinking about the last time I saw him when I heard. I don't think we ever really know how to deal with death when it's sudden. I mean, when an 80 year old that's been in the hospital for a year with cancer dies it's one thing, but not someone young who had been fine and talking to you days before....

I think the problem is that my brain refuses to believe he's actually gone. I mean, he was 22 years old and I just talked to him online on Tuesday. He was telling me how great everything was and how he was ready to be done with school. On Friday he was dead of heart failure. His facebook, livejournal, and photojournal are all still there...they're just waiting for him to come back and update them. I think that's one of the strangest things about this age...you can go away forever and yet all these traces of you are still there without you.

The funeral is this week and I'm telling myself that I can't miss class to go, which is stupid, but in truth I just don't want to remember Matt that way. I want to remember him laughing, talking, and alive....not in a box. Therefore, I will not go, but I do remember him and I will miss him. He was one of the best friends I've ever had and I know he's happy now...he's not worried about school or his heart or anything else. Funerals are for the living, not the dead...

Matt, rest in peace...you are missed....

[User Picture]From: sergeantbrother
2006-02-20 11:17 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry. It really is tragic when someone young dies, particularly so unexpectedly. If there's anything I can do let me know.
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[User Picture]From: sabrstryk
2006-02-23 04:25 am (UTC)
Heather and I couldn't make ourselves go to the funeral either.

I convinced myself that I wasn't close enough, and she was worried about having a complete breakdown, and couldn't handle it.

Keep yourself in peace, Ashleigh.
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[User Picture]From: morningangel
2006-02-25 10:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the wishes...I wish the same for you, but honestly, given what I heard about the minister, I'm glad I handled it the way I did. Matt knows how I feel and I didn't have to go through the anger of that awful man...
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[User Picture]From: eyeof_iris
2006-02-25 04:19 pm (UTC)
I wrestled with the idea of going since the Friday that Trey called me. And I didnt make up my mind till the Monday at 4:00 the day befor the Funeral. And in a way i regret going because of the preacher, but the only reason i went in the first place was for Matt and Matt alone, But it was so comforting to see that other people were feeling the way that i was feeling, Especially since there are maybe 3 people up here who barely knew him. But i can honestly say with the way the service was Matt wouldnt say anything knowing you werent there.

I know we had our problems in High School but we should talk more, High School was that High school and in the past.

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[User Picture]From: morningangel
2006-02-25 10:50 pm (UTC)
Actually, I've been recontacting several of the people from High School lately...odd how timing works sometimes....

Anyway, thank you for your assurances, but really I handled my thoughts for Matt and my remembrance for him without the problems that went with the funeral. There are just some people that are too alive to remember the shell that was them in a box. I sent my wishes to Matt and watched RENT. It has been hard being up here with very few people that understood what his death meant, but life must go on despite loss and I will always remember him.

I hope things are well with you....
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